As part of my recovery I’ve realised that I’d started looking inward – not a bad thing – but this looking inward had started to take me inward a little to far, so it’s now time to actively bring my attention back outside of myself again. I’ve been very aware of maintaining my sobriety but it’s something that I’ve been holding close to me, holding it close to my heart like a new born that needs protection.
What I’ve learned during this time has in some ways been earth moving but on the other hand none of it has been a surprise. The most beautiful moving part was after listening to a Tara Brach (?) lecture that Lucy from a Hangover Free Life posted a link to. OMG 😲 her talk on The Realm of Hungry Ghosts – I was so blown away from the sense of self discovery after taking part in the exercise she did in the lecture.
In the past during counselling I’d touched on my relationship with my mum but I had no idea just how much of an effect it had had on me until this point. At age 4 I witnessed her having what was then called a nervous breakdown, she went on to try with her first of 2 suicide attempts, something I didn’t understand then but instinctively felt at the time that it was my fault she was in hospital. This is my earliest memory and to be honest they don’t improve much in general after that.
As an adult who now has a better understanding of my parents relationship I know it had nothing to do with me but I do now realise that much of my loneliness stems from that hole in my soul that has been left by that event and subsequent events. Rather than further upset and soul searching this knowledge has bought me a sense of calm. I can’t change the past but I can influence the future. This knowledge also allows me to feel much more compassion for my mum as I know it wasn’t her fault either it was just what she was going through at the time as a 20yr old with two young children and an alcoholic husband.
Self discovery and realisation ….. to be continued.
Love and sober hugs to you all
So what’s the one thing that gets you through the day ……..
We all have lots of tools that we use in different circumstances but if you had to name one thing that you just can’t do without what is it ???
For me it’s Lavender (P.S. it’s
almost a bit of a cheat answer on my part as lavender has many uses 😇)
Yes still here, still sober and still happy to be sober. That’s not to say I haven’t had the odd wobble, the lovely early summer sunshine has definitely been a bit triggery as I used to think there was nothing better than sitting outside at the end o the day with a nice ice cold glass of Pinot. I have now got a nice alternative tho being San Pellegrino with lemon and mint – it doesn’t taste remotely like pinot (a good thing) but it hits the taste buds in just the right spot.
But anyhow I digress, I wanted to drop in and say hi. I keep getting this feeling that I aught to write something but can never manage to string more than a sentance or heading together without doubting myself and thinking ‘oh f..k it’ and going off and getting some chocolate instead. Is this good or bad ? I can’t quite work it out.
I do still avidly read, read and read your blogs, but can’t ever find the right words to comment, which I do feel bad about, but it’s the same with my online support group where I dip in with the odd smiley face or such but feel like it’s too dangerous to do much more as I’m finding some of their posts too triggery.
I’m hoping this is just a phase and that if I keep my head down that I’ll get past it. 10 months this month and I’m not prepared to let THAT go, life is still massively better than it’s been my entire adult life so I’m just going to keep a hold of this thought at the front of my mind and keep moving forward.
I have the funeral of a very dear friend to attend this week, he died as the result of drink …. so sad for his family who are not only grieving for the person they lost last week but also the person he once was but that they will never ever see again …. this is where any of us could have left our family … this is why I want something so much better for mine.
Love and hugs to all, especially any of you that are struggling with some aspect of sobriety or being sober.
Bye for now
Had my first of these last night. Dinking dreams really do suck, but I was so so so relieved to wake up sober again this morning.
While I do still dip in to reading blogs I do wonder if I’ve been neglecting this aspect of life and perhaps I should make sure I invest more time in this area. Have I been getting to complacent? I don’t know but that dream really did leave me feeling unsettled.
Life sober is still where its at for me but I have noticed the direction of my thoughts as going all over the place sometimes. The ideas keep popping up whereby its like I’m trying to tell myself that I couldn’t have been that bad surely, especially as it was so easy for me to give up !!! What the hell !!! Easy !!! It sure as hell wasn’t that easy !!! Anyway that’s the way conversation keeps going.
At nearly 9mths sober I think I could possibly need to revamp my approach. I don’t feel like I am heading towards relapse but I am wondering if getting back in touch with a few basics may not be a bad idea.
Well here’s something I once thought would be an impossibility …. here I am clean and sober for 6 months …. massive big smiley face errupts 😀😀😀
Life is amazingly good sober and also incredibly hard work at times, but do you know what? I wouldn’t trade how I was before for what I have now, no the benefits of being clean and sober far outweigh that fleeting buzz as the alcohol hits that spot, I just have to remind myself on a regular basis why it is I can’t be a ‘normy’ around alcohol.
I do however find the concept of being a ‘normy’ so at odds with the idea of living life to our bestest. I’ve deliberated in my head on this whole concept for some time and I feel like I’m starting to just go round and round in circles, so I think its time to get it out side of my head. One conclusion I’ve come to is it’s almost like ‘normies’ make slower progress than the likes of us/myself to hit their ‘bottom’ when it comes to alcohol. Ultimately how do we know some of these so called ‘normies’ don’t actually drink the same or more than we did anyway as who of us ever truthfully admitted what we were drinking ???
Now that I’m past the really early stages of sobriety and got a bit of sober momentum under my belt I find it easier to tolerate being around friends who are drinkers and find listening to their stories of a night out, or work colleagues discussions regarding alcohol quite fascinating (sad as well, but I do also know my limits as to who and how many of them are even remotely interested in discussions on sobriety), but anyway, yes fasinating may not be the right word, but there are many who remind me of myself say 10 years ago in terms of where they are at with their drinking now. In fact wether fasinating is or isn’t the right word, worrying is the next word I would use for many who drink far more than even I did at the end, I can also see a definite trend towards increasing hangovers, raucous Christmas Party behaviours …. even my boss nearly got thrown out of the venue for the office party when he got nasty cause the bar staff refused to serve his wife cause she was visibly very drunk, then there were various very embarassing photos on Facebook for others to deal with too …. even our young teenage apprentices were shocked by some of what the older generation got up to. I’m so glad I didn’t go and felt proud to be in work hangover free the following morning 😄😄😄 But what I do find worrying is that all this behaviour is being described as ‘normal’ by those around me 😨😨😨 jeeze who would want to be a ‘normy’ !!!!
🎉Happy New Year one and all🎉 hope it was a good one, and that it was kind to you wherever in the world you are reading this from. Weather has been seriously bad here in the UK, so it’s a very good thing I’m still firmly aboard the sober wagon as otherwise I’d have had more than enough opportunities and made plenty enough excuses as to why a bottle or more of wine would be needed while home hiding indoors from the wind and rain. Roll on summer, hopefully by then the El Ninio weather front or whatever it is that’s causing this very unpleasant weather will have shoved off by then ☔
Well life in the WSB household continues AF, we’re all pretty worn out after Christmas and New Year festivities but being an AF household over the festive season has paid dividends ….. and wow, wow, wow what a difference ….. dinner on the big day was and always is an all day job when it’s just the three of us ….. after a rather bracing walk with darling daughter and the dog (in the rain of course) breakfast cum late morning brunch was had, moving in to the main dinner mid afternoon, puddings and cheese etc for tea then anything anyone fancied from the leftovers for supper ….. hmmmm it was good, but what was even better was being sober and present, the bestest ever Christmas present I could give myself and also to those who live in the WSB household – especially the late morning walk (which i thoroughly enjoyed) as my traditional champagne and orange juice breakfast was replaced by just juice then hot drinks from a Costa machine in the local Service Station and our lovely walk in a really beautiful part of Shropshire. In the past I would ordinarily not been sober enough to drive on Christmas Day and resented it any time I couldn’t have my Proseco or Champagne to get the day of to a ‘proper’ start …. life really is so much better sober and I was also amazed just how many other walkers there were out too for Christmas morning 😃
That’s not to say I haven’t had my wobbles though. Jeeze there have been days when at least once every hour or so I have so craved the idea of being able to check out of life on the sofa and disappear into an alcohol induced fog, luckily the prospect of the inevitable hangover and the undoing of all I’ve worked towards since Nune last year has been enough to make me metophorically slap myself about the face to bring me back into the reality of the moment and life and so go get something to eat or drink (AF of course) as I eventually came to realise my hap hazard eating patterns over Christmas were probably to blame, and hey presto, since I started back on my 3 to 4 moderate sized meals a day, so long as I stick at it I’m ok? ‘H.A.L.T’ …. ha ha no shit Sherlock but I do find it’s not always easy to remember to go through these neccessary self care check lists when I’m the middle of it all 😯
Keep sAFe and blogging
Bye for now